My mothers gastric bypass surgery was on the 26th not on the 28th.
When she came out of the operating room, they told my father that everything went as planned, and that she'd be groggy for a couple of hours afterwards. It was then MY job to call all of the relatives that were waiting to hear how the surgery went... I spent more time on the phone that day than I have in the entire week prior. (and I don't like talking on the phone!!!)
Once the medication wore off, my mother discovered that she has no feeling whatsoever in her right leg or her left thumb... the doctors could not explain why it was happening. They've guessed that perhaps the straps they had on her during the surgery may have pinched a nerve and it's a bruised nerve that's causing it... then there is also the possibility that something has happened to one of the two anuerysms that she's got in her head (fairly large, right behind her eyes... one of which is on her optic nerve and affecting her vision). They've got a call in for a nuerologist to come and take a look.. but as of this moment (when I'm writin this) they still haven't made it in to see her.
They are also discussing the possibility of sending her to a rehab center for physical therapy... which she is STRONGLY opposed to because they would be sending her to the same rehab center that she went to a few months ago after another surgery she had... nobody can understand why she doesn't want to go to this place. I do. The nurses and staff at this location have already had experience with her... they know what she is like after the first few days (for the first few days, she's a lovely wonderful lady... then she gets tired of putting on a happy face...)
please visit: http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml to get a peek at her "personality"
My playlist!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So Far So Good
so... I've been able to resist the "late night snack" temptation... that's helping a bit. I think that it would be much easier if I was able to get to sleep earlier as well.
Right now I stay up for a few hours after I put my daughter to bed... not because I WANT to, but because I just can't sleep. It's not unusual for me to be finally getting to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning. It's been this way since my husband passed away...
With that schedule, it's around 9:30 or 10 pm when I get hungry and feel the desire to start snacking...
I have to say that I've got a "good" role model also. My mother is having gastric bypass surgery on the 28th and she's supposed to be on a mostly liquid diet for 2 full weeks prior to the surgery (2 liquid meals and one low carb / high protien meal each day). And for the two weeks before that (starting one month prior to the surgery) she was supposed to be eating low carb / high protien meals at EVERY meal. Well... if you listen to her talking to her family members on the phone, you'd think that she was being extremely strict with this... doing it completely by the book. But when you live in the same house with her and you can SEE what she's actually eating, you'll see that she's not following the diet at all. She doesn't seem to have any control over herself whatsoever. There are medical reasons for why they want her on this special diet prior to the surgery... to make the surgery safer and to ensure a success.
For the first two week period (where she was suppsed to eat low carb / high protien meals) she did manage to eat more protien, BUT she didn't lower her carbs at all. All she managed to do was eat more food than normal. She figured that the protien was the most important part (her translation of the doctors orders) and she'd make sure she was getting the proper amount... then for this last two weeks (where she's supposed to eat 2 liquid meals - high protien shakes mostly - and have one low carb / high protien meal) she's doing the same thing... she's drinking two liquid meals... but then she's "saving" the carbs at mealtime by only eating meat... so she can have a sugary snack. I also have a sneaky suspicion that she's got food hidden in her room somewhere... but I don't have any proof of that.
I said she was a "good" role model. She is. Just like she's been a "good" role model for me all of my life. I see what she is doing and I know that I don't want to do that, or be that way. I see how she's eating and how she's abused food and I know that I don't want to be following that same path.
I'm able to stick to my plan easier because I see that she's not able to... how's that make me look?? Honestly, I don't care. This is my life and I really don't give a hoot what other people think of me... my motto in life has ALWAYS been "if you don't like the way I look, then don't look at me". (and that goes for what's inside and out!) It's that simple.
I want to change my weight because I am not happy with myself. I miss being able to run and play and jump and climb trees... I really miss having energy (and I think that SLEEP has a lot to do with my problems!).
okay. I'm done for today. I'm not going to brag about the scales showing 2 lbs less than they had last week... because 2 lbs is NO BIG DEAL. When I get to 10 lbs... I'll start braggin'!!!
Right now I stay up for a few hours after I put my daughter to bed... not because I WANT to, but because I just can't sleep. It's not unusual for me to be finally getting to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning. It's been this way since my husband passed away...
With that schedule, it's around 9:30 or 10 pm when I get hungry and feel the desire to start snacking...
I have to say that I've got a "good" role model also. My mother is having gastric bypass surgery on the 28th and she's supposed to be on a mostly liquid diet for 2 full weeks prior to the surgery (2 liquid meals and one low carb / high protien meal each day). And for the two weeks before that (starting one month prior to the surgery) she was supposed to be eating low carb / high protien meals at EVERY meal. Well... if you listen to her talking to her family members on the phone, you'd think that she was being extremely strict with this... doing it completely by the book. But when you live in the same house with her and you can SEE what she's actually eating, you'll see that she's not following the diet at all. She doesn't seem to have any control over herself whatsoever. There are medical reasons for why they want her on this special diet prior to the surgery... to make the surgery safer and to ensure a success.
For the first two week period (where she was suppsed to eat low carb / high protien meals) she did manage to eat more protien, BUT she didn't lower her carbs at all. All she managed to do was eat more food than normal. She figured that the protien was the most important part (her translation of the doctors orders) and she'd make sure she was getting the proper amount... then for this last two weeks (where she's supposed to eat 2 liquid meals - high protien shakes mostly - and have one low carb / high protien meal) she's doing the same thing... she's drinking two liquid meals... but then she's "saving" the carbs at mealtime by only eating meat... so she can have a sugary snack. I also have a sneaky suspicion that she's got food hidden in her room somewhere... but I don't have any proof of that.
I said she was a "good" role model. She is. Just like she's been a "good" role model for me all of my life. I see what she is doing and I know that I don't want to do that, or be that way. I see how she's eating and how she's abused food and I know that I don't want to be following that same path.
I'm able to stick to my plan easier because I see that she's not able to... how's that make me look?? Honestly, I don't care. This is my life and I really don't give a hoot what other people think of me... my motto in life has ALWAYS been "if you don't like the way I look, then don't look at me". (and that goes for what's inside and out!) It's that simple.
I want to change my weight because I am not happy with myself. I miss being able to run and play and jump and climb trees... I really miss having energy (and I think that SLEEP has a lot to do with my problems!).
okay. I'm done for today. I'm not going to brag about the scales showing 2 lbs less than they had last week... because 2 lbs is NO BIG DEAL. When I get to 10 lbs... I'll start braggin'!!!
Friday, January 16, 2009
"Happy" New Year
I've been inspired by several of my friends... they are on a mission to re-shape themselves this year. One of them is taking photos of herself each week to track her progress, and she's making herself accountable to an entire website of people! I don't know if I have the gumption to do that myself... but I'm going to put it on here anways.
Right now, I'm about 60 lbs overweight. 60 lbs doesn't SOUND like that much, it should be easy to get rid of... right?? Well, considering that I've been trying for years and years... I put that in italics because I'm not sure that "trying" is what I've actually been doing. I've been unhappy with my weight and I've had the intention of doing something about it... but I've never really taken any steps to actually change it.
I've said "I'll start eating better next week" or "after this weekend, I'll start biking again"... but guess what!? I NEVER DO! (surprised right?!)
I've been at this weight for about 3 1/2 years now... not gaining anymore and not losing either. I know that what I am eating NOW is not making me bigger... but it's also not helping me to get any smaller. When I lost my husband, I stopped caring about what I was eating or how I was eating... I didn't do any exercise (other than chasing my toddler around the house), I stopped caring how I looked or how I dressed and even my personal hygiene (I know it's a gross thought!) went south for a while. (an EXTREMELY short while, I assure you!) Personal Hygiene was the first to return... not showering for a couple of days makes my head itch!
It's been nearly 5 years now and I've finally come full circle. I think I'm ready to get myself back... I think I owe it to my daughter, to have a healthy and energetic mommy again... like I was when she was just a year old and we still had her daddy with us.
I'm commiting myself to making a change (or two or three) for the better.
WHO'S WITH ME?!
Right now, I'm about 60 lbs overweight. 60 lbs doesn't SOUND like that much, it should be easy to get rid of... right?? Well, considering that I've been trying for years and years... I put that in italics because I'm not sure that "trying" is what I've actually been doing. I've been unhappy with my weight and I've had the intention of doing something about it... but I've never really taken any steps to actually change it.
I've said "I'll start eating better next week" or "after this weekend, I'll start biking again"... but guess what!? I NEVER DO! (surprised right?!)
I've been at this weight for about 3 1/2 years now... not gaining anymore and not losing either. I know that what I am eating NOW is not making me bigger... but it's also not helping me to get any smaller. When I lost my husband, I stopped caring about what I was eating or how I was eating... I didn't do any exercise (other than chasing my toddler around the house), I stopped caring how I looked or how I dressed and even my personal hygiene (I know it's a gross thought!) went south for a while. (an EXTREMELY short while, I assure you!) Personal Hygiene was the first to return... not showering for a couple of days makes my head itch!
It's been nearly 5 years now and I've finally come full circle. I think I'm ready to get myself back... I think I owe it to my daughter, to have a healthy and energetic mommy again... like I was when she was just a year old and we still had her daddy with us.
I'm commiting myself to making a change (or two or three) for the better.
WHO'S WITH ME?!
Friday, January 2, 2009
New Years Eve - my experience!
So. For those of you that know me, you know that I am not a "party" type of person.. I'll go, if I know everyone or if for some reason I feel that I HAVE to be there...
well... I'm not sure why I agreed, but I told the ladies at my womens group that I would go to their New Years Eve party... it was going to be with our leaders husbands mens group as well. Almost as soon as I said I'd go, I started asking myself WHY I had agreed to go... there were going to be people there that I didn't know! I'm scared of new people! (okay, SCARED is a strong word... and doesn't really apply, but still...) Am I unsociable? Not really... but I am shy and uncomfortable (at first) around new people. And when I'm uncomfortable I tend to say things that are either inappropriate (foot in mouth!) or embarassing! LOL And knowing that I do this makes me even more nervous around new people!!
So anyways... the night of the party comes along and I leave early so that I can get some dinner before the party. (because I also have a very active imagination and I can envision myself dribbling food on myself, or ending up with food in my teeth and nobody telling me... or being nervous and talking with my mouth full of food LOL all things that don't happen normally, but I didn't want to take any chances!)
The party is at the home of a group member, which is about 30 minutes from my house... and during the entire drive I'm having a conversation with myself in my head. (yeah, I'm talking to myself! you got a problem with that?! *grin*) Mainly asking myself what was I thinking by agreeing to go to this party... and trying to convince myself that it was going to be fun... and also trying to find a reason why I suddenly couldn't attend... ah, inner conflict is so much fun! NOT!
I made it to Chipotle, and got my food and sat down and began eating... then my cell phone rang. It was one of my best friends calling to see if my offer to allow her to join me at this party was still out there... boy did I jump on that!! YES YES YES! Please join me!
She met me at the restaurant shortly after I finished eating and then followed me to the house... fortunately, the party was smaller than I was anticipating and I knew almost everyone! Apparently most of the group members had other places they wanted to be that night and didn't come... hooray for me!
While they waited for others to arrive (you know, the ones who DIDN'T arrive) somebody put in a DVD of the TV show "The Office" for us to watch. What a funny show! The men (3 of them) went outside to shoot darts, the women stayed inside and chatted and watched the DVD. It was nice and mellow... just the kind of party I like! We didn't stay until midnight because I promised my daughter that I'd be home to watch the ball drop with her.
When I got home my dad and my little silly head were waiting for me... they had some bottle rockets to shoot off and wanted me to be out there with them. My dad would set them off and my daughter and I would watch it go up and then listen for where it landed. Then we'd get out our flashlights and try to find the stick... sometimes we did, and sometimes we didn't. (usually we didn't though!)
My daughter was so excited that I was letting her stay up until midnight... she even agreed to take a nap earlier in the day, so that she'd be allowed to! Amazing.
At midnight we watched the ball drop, toasted New Years with some Applejuice and ginger ale mixed together... (ick) and then we started the "winding down" process!! She was in bed by around 1:15 or so (a.m.!!) And out before I made it out of her room!! (and then she was UP at her normal time... so we were both grouchy and tired today!)
So how was YOUR New Years Eve?
well... I'm not sure why I agreed, but I told the ladies at my womens group that I would go to their New Years Eve party... it was going to be with our leaders husbands mens group as well. Almost as soon as I said I'd go, I started asking myself WHY I had agreed to go... there were going to be people there that I didn't know! I'm scared of new people! (okay, SCARED is a strong word... and doesn't really apply, but still...) Am I unsociable? Not really... but I am shy and uncomfortable (at first) around new people. And when I'm uncomfortable I tend to say things that are either inappropriate (foot in mouth!) or embarassing! LOL And knowing that I do this makes me even more nervous around new people!!
So anyways... the night of the party comes along and I leave early so that I can get some dinner before the party. (because I also have a very active imagination and I can envision myself dribbling food on myself, or ending up with food in my teeth and nobody telling me... or being nervous and talking with my mouth full of food LOL all things that don't happen normally, but I didn't want to take any chances!)
The party is at the home of a group member, which is about 30 minutes from my house... and during the entire drive I'm having a conversation with myself in my head. (yeah, I'm talking to myself! you got a problem with that?! *grin*) Mainly asking myself what was I thinking by agreeing to go to this party... and trying to convince myself that it was going to be fun... and also trying to find a reason why I suddenly couldn't attend... ah, inner conflict is so much fun! NOT!
I made it to Chipotle, and got my food and sat down and began eating... then my cell phone rang. It was one of my best friends calling to see if my offer to allow her to join me at this party was still out there... boy did I jump on that!! YES YES YES! Please join me!
She met me at the restaurant shortly after I finished eating and then followed me to the house... fortunately, the party was smaller than I was anticipating and I knew almost everyone! Apparently most of the group members had other places they wanted to be that night and didn't come... hooray for me!
While they waited for others to arrive (you know, the ones who DIDN'T arrive) somebody put in a DVD of the TV show "The Office" for us to watch. What a funny show! The men (3 of them) went outside to shoot darts, the women stayed inside and chatted and watched the DVD. It was nice and mellow... just the kind of party I like! We didn't stay until midnight because I promised my daughter that I'd be home to watch the ball drop with her.
When I got home my dad and my little silly head were waiting for me... they had some bottle rockets to shoot off and wanted me to be out there with them. My dad would set them off and my daughter and I would watch it go up and then listen for where it landed. Then we'd get out our flashlights and try to find the stick... sometimes we did, and sometimes we didn't. (usually we didn't though!)
My daughter was so excited that I was letting her stay up until midnight... she even agreed to take a nap earlier in the day, so that she'd be allowed to! Amazing.
At midnight we watched the ball drop, toasted New Years with some Applejuice and ginger ale mixed together... (ick) and then we started the "winding down" process!! She was in bed by around 1:15 or so (a.m.!!) And out before I made it out of her room!! (and then she was UP at her normal time... so we were both grouchy and tired today!)
So how was YOUR New Years Eve?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
My generous daughter
My little girl. I've said before that she's an amazing little thing. She's 6 years old and has the most generous heart. Anytime we go to visit someone (be it an adult or a child) she MUST find something to give to them. I can't tell you how many times I've had to stand at the front door waiting for her to emerge from her foraging in her room where she found the "perfect" item for whomever we were going to see.
Every month her school chooses a day for the parents to come in and have lunch with their children... I normally bring in some cookies or little candies (sugar free, usually!) for her to walk around and offer to her classmates, because I know how she loves to give things away. It makes her so happy to be able to share with her friends and their parents.
There have been quite a few times where I've had to step in and tell her that she couldn't give certain things away... if she thinks that someone else will enjoy it, and even though she will certainly miss the item, she will try to give it away.
Okay, having said all of that...
This past weekend my mother had her "family" christmas party... and all of the grandchildren recieved VISA gift cards from gramma. My daughter decided that instead of going to ToysR US or to Walmart to buy herself some toys - she wanted to go to the mall and get her momma some hand soaps from Bath and Body Works. (they were 3 for $10 so she picked out 3 for me... she walked all around the display smelling each one carefully and then picked out her 3 favorites. She told me that I'm not allowed to smell them until Christmas morning.)
Then she wanted to go to Walmart to pick out some items for her gramma and grampa. She got gramma some bedroom slippers and got grampa some new socks ("Momma, grampa's socks all have holes in them... and his feet might get cold")
She spent a good deal of her money on buying gifts for others. She would have gotten more things (for her cousins this time) but I stopped her. I told her that she really should save it and get herself something. So now she's got a little left on her gift card and she can combine that with any money that she might recieve from her Nana and Poppy... and after Christmas we'll go off somewhere so she can get herself something. (hopefully she'll get herself something! I might just put my foot down)
She had so much fun shopping for her family... and you could just see it in her little face that she was proud that she was able to buy gifts ALL BY HERSELF, with her own money, for the ones that she loves. She's truly going to enjoy Christmas morning when she can give the presents that she bought.
She makes me so proud.
Every month her school chooses a day for the parents to come in and have lunch with their children... I normally bring in some cookies or little candies (sugar free, usually!) for her to walk around and offer to her classmates, because I know how she loves to give things away. It makes her so happy to be able to share with her friends and their parents.
There have been quite a few times where I've had to step in and tell her that she couldn't give certain things away... if she thinks that someone else will enjoy it, and even though she will certainly miss the item, she will try to give it away.
Okay, having said all of that...
This past weekend my mother had her "family" christmas party... and all of the grandchildren recieved VISA gift cards from gramma. My daughter decided that instead of going to ToysR US or to Walmart to buy herself some toys - she wanted to go to the mall and get her momma some hand soaps from Bath and Body Works. (they were 3 for $10 so she picked out 3 for me... she walked all around the display smelling each one carefully and then picked out her 3 favorites. She told me that I'm not allowed to smell them until Christmas morning.)
Then she wanted to go to Walmart to pick out some items for her gramma and grampa. She got gramma some bedroom slippers and got grampa some new socks ("Momma, grampa's socks all have holes in them... and his feet might get cold")
She spent a good deal of her money on buying gifts for others. She would have gotten more things (for her cousins this time) but I stopped her. I told her that she really should save it and get herself something. So now she's got a little left on her gift card and she can combine that with any money that she might recieve from her Nana and Poppy... and after Christmas we'll go off somewhere so she can get herself something. (hopefully she'll get herself something! I might just put my foot down)
She had so much fun shopping for her family... and you could just see it in her little face that she was proud that she was able to buy gifts ALL BY HERSELF, with her own money, for the ones that she loves. She's truly going to enjoy Christmas morning when she can give the presents that she bought.
She makes me so proud.
Christmas Angels
A couple months back (end of October) I was complaining that Social Security was going to hold back payments to me for a couple of months because they "claim" they overpaid me last year... nice timing on their part. The pretty much removed any hopes of us having a "normal" Christmas.
I've been stressing over this. I did sell some portraits and that helped me to get caught up on a few of my bills, but it didn't help with Christmas, like I had hoped that it would. The economy being what it is, the photo business is slim right about now. (and more than likely, it's going to be getting worse!)
I don't recall telling anyone (other than venting here in my blog!) about this... but just a couple of nights ago we got a visit from a couple of Christmas Angels. They were bearing gifts for a 6 year old girl! There were a couple of large items (including two of my daughters favorite things... A Littlest Pet Shop Club House and also a Hannah Montana barbie doll... she has recently discovered Hannah Montana, she sings, so it's right up her alley!) I had been able to get one item (by spending money that was meant to pay one of my bills) and I borrowed money from my parents to get another item (but I HATE HATE HATE doing that, something that I might get into in another post one of these days.... what it's like living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder... visit www.bpdcentral.com to learn a little about it...). Now I've got a few items to put into her Christmas stocking and more lovely things to wrap and put underneath the tree for her!
And there was a gift card to our local supermarket also! Which means that I will actually be able to pull my own weight with the Christmas dinner plans (woo hoo!). Relief!
When I asked these Angels how they knew that I was stressing about this, their reply was "We didn't know. But God did."
well. How's that for lovely??
Thank you LORD, for thinking of me and giving me just what I needed. A little bit of Christmas hope and joy. (and relief! I feel so much better now!) And thank you for sending your Christmas Angels my way. I know that there are so many out there who are in need and I feel a little bit guilty that we have been placed on the recieving end... there are many out there that have even less than we do. I'm praying that He takes care of them also.
I've been stressing over this. I did sell some portraits and that helped me to get caught up on a few of my bills, but it didn't help with Christmas, like I had hoped that it would. The economy being what it is, the photo business is slim right about now. (and more than likely, it's going to be getting worse!)
I don't recall telling anyone (other than venting here in my blog!) about this... but just a couple of nights ago we got a visit from a couple of Christmas Angels. They were bearing gifts for a 6 year old girl! There were a couple of large items (including two of my daughters favorite things... A Littlest Pet Shop Club House and also a Hannah Montana barbie doll... she has recently discovered Hannah Montana, she sings, so it's right up her alley!) I had been able to get one item (by spending money that was meant to pay one of my bills) and I borrowed money from my parents to get another item (but I HATE HATE HATE doing that, something that I might get into in another post one of these days.... what it's like living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder... visit www.bpdcentral.com to learn a little about it...). Now I've got a few items to put into her Christmas stocking and more lovely things to wrap and put underneath the tree for her!
And there was a gift card to our local supermarket also! Which means that I will actually be able to pull my own weight with the Christmas dinner plans (woo hoo!). Relief!
When I asked these Angels how they knew that I was stressing about this, their reply was "We didn't know. But God did."
well. How's that for lovely??
Thank you LORD, for thinking of me and giving me just what I needed. A little bit of Christmas hope and joy. (and relief! I feel so much better now!) And thank you for sending your Christmas Angels my way. I know that there are so many out there who are in need and I feel a little bit guilty that we have been placed on the recieving end... there are many out there that have even less than we do. I'm praying that He takes care of them also.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
One of the mothers at my daughters school recently (and unexpectedly) lost her husband a couple of weeks ago... we didn't know each other, except in passing... last week I was told (via the "rumor weed") that she was now a widow. The rest of the week and all through the weekend, I felt a weight on my heart... and the strange feeling that I should talk to her. (since I'm also a widow and lost my husband unexpectedly as well... and I've got a young daughter the same age as hers) The feelings persisted the entire weekend. On Monday, I saw her at the 1st grade lunch (the parents are allowed to come in one day a month and have lunch with their children) and again, I got the feeling that I should talk to her. Okay, I am NOT the kind of person who can just walk up to someone and start a conversation. I'm shy and I tend to just stand back and watch things happen... this was WAY out of my comfort zone. I sat through the entire lunch trying to build up the nerve to approach her... well, it didn't happen.
After the lunch was over, I decided to wander around the Sanford mall until it was time to go back to the school to get my daughter. Well... lo and behold, who should I run into?? Yup. It was her. She was there with one of the other moms... this time I managed to get up the nerve to walk in her direction, but when they noticed me coming, all I could do was just pretend that it was a chance meeting and I just said "Hello" and then went on my way. I know, I'm such a chicken. I told myself that it was because I didn't want to discuss it in front of the other mom... yeah, right.
When it was about an hour before I had to pick up my daughter, I headed back to the school and sat in the car line area reading my book... and guess who showed up just as early? You guessed it! She was parked right in front of me. I could see that she was talking on the phone... so I told myself that I'd just wait until she got off the phone (secretly hoping that she talked until it was time for the kids to get out). Not 3 seconds after I had that thought, she hung up her phone.
It was at this point that it finally occurred to me that I WAS NOT in charge here... God was speaking to me... that voice that I kept hearing in my head telling me to go speak with her was not my own. So I started mumbling under my breath to God about how I heard him and I got the point... as I got out of my car and headed towards hers.
She saw me coming and I could see on her face (in her side mirror) that she wasn't happy to see me walking her way. I almost stopped and went back to my car, but I felt a push on my back at that moment. (okay okay... I'm going!! Geesh!) Well... she rolled down her window without even looking in my direction... then she turned her head slowly to face me. (poor woman! She was so tired of having all of the parents at the school telling her how "sorry" they were to hear about her husband... she really didn't to hear it again)
I handed her a business card and told her that my phone number and e-mail address were on there... she looked at me as if I was insane... then I explained why. "I'm a widow also. I lost my husband nearly 5 years ago in an unexpected way. I was devastated and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. If you EVER want to speak to someone who understands what you are feeling and understands what you are going through. Please call me." (I'm sure those weren't my exact words, because I was terrified and I don't really remember what I said) Well... we talked for about 45 minutes before we had to move up to get our girls...
I've spoken to her several times since then... she helped me one day to take pictures (she was a very good helper!) and we had lunch afterwards. I've been sharing my experience with her and hoping and praying that I'm saying the right things... I feel like the words I need are escaping me and I have no idea if I am really helping her. I really hope that I am...
One thing that I discovered when my husband passed away (and I've been telling her this often) is that I was much stronger than I thought I was. When my world came crashing down on me in April of 2004, I thought that I was going to die also. How could I possibly go on without him?? Then, months later, I looked at our beautiful daughter and I saw him in her... and it occured to me that as long as I had her, that I hadn't lost all of him... he wasn't completely gone.
After the lunch was over, I decided to wander around the Sanford mall until it was time to go back to the school to get my daughter. Well... lo and behold, who should I run into?? Yup. It was her. She was there with one of the other moms... this time I managed to get up the nerve to walk in her direction, but when they noticed me coming, all I could do was just pretend that it was a chance meeting and I just said "Hello" and then went on my way. I know, I'm such a chicken. I told myself that it was because I didn't want to discuss it in front of the other mom... yeah, right.
When it was about an hour before I had to pick up my daughter, I headed back to the school and sat in the car line area reading my book... and guess who showed up just as early? You guessed it! She was parked right in front of me. I could see that she was talking on the phone... so I told myself that I'd just wait until she got off the phone (secretly hoping that she talked until it was time for the kids to get out). Not 3 seconds after I had that thought, she hung up her phone.
It was at this point that it finally occurred to me that I WAS NOT in charge here... God was speaking to me... that voice that I kept hearing in my head telling me to go speak with her was not my own. So I started mumbling under my breath to God about how I heard him and I got the point... as I got out of my car and headed towards hers.
She saw me coming and I could see on her face (in her side mirror) that she wasn't happy to see me walking her way. I almost stopped and went back to my car, but I felt a push on my back at that moment. (okay okay... I'm going!! Geesh!) Well... she rolled down her window without even looking in my direction... then she turned her head slowly to face me. (poor woman! She was so tired of having all of the parents at the school telling her how "sorry" they were to hear about her husband... she really didn't to hear it again)
I handed her a business card and told her that my phone number and e-mail address were on there... she looked at me as if I was insane... then I explained why. "I'm a widow also. I lost my husband nearly 5 years ago in an unexpected way. I was devastated and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. If you EVER want to speak to someone who understands what you are feeling and understands what you are going through. Please call me." (I'm sure those weren't my exact words, because I was terrified and I don't really remember what I said) Well... we talked for about 45 minutes before we had to move up to get our girls...
I've spoken to her several times since then... she helped me one day to take pictures (she was a very good helper!) and we had lunch afterwards. I've been sharing my experience with her and hoping and praying that I'm saying the right things... I feel like the words I need are escaping me and I have no idea if I am really helping her. I really hope that I am...
One thing that I discovered when my husband passed away (and I've been telling her this often) is that I was much stronger than I thought I was. When my world came crashing down on me in April of 2004, I thought that I was going to die also. How could I possibly go on without him?? Then, months later, I looked at our beautiful daughter and I saw him in her... and it occured to me that as long as I had her, that I hadn't lost all of him... he wasn't completely gone.
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