sleep? where are you?!

Have you ever had one of those nights where your mind wouldn't shut down and you couldn't get to sleep?? Or you were so very OVERtired that you couldn't get to sleep? Well... take those nights of unrest and multiply it by about 4 years... THAT is my life. I haven't really had a good nights sleep since my husband passed away in 2004. For the first couple of years, I couldn't even FORCE myself to go crawl into my bed... just the thought of sleeping in there without him was too much for me. I slept many nights on the couch, or even in bed with my daughter (once she got into a twin sized bed) and there was always the temptation to let her start sleeping with me in my bed. At least then I wouldn't be in there by myself.

I think that my body wouldn't know how to react if it ever got more than 5 hours of sleep in a night. (and that 5 hours is the rarity, when I am actually able to get to sleep within reason...)

She was only a year old when we lost him... and many nights I would lie there worrying that something was going to happen to me also and she'd be an orphan. Who would take care of her if I was to suddenly disappear from her life too?? Who would love her and give her the direction that she needs to become the amazing person that I know she is destined to be??

And on the nights that I wasn't worried about something happening to me, I was worrying that something was going to happen to HER. I'd check on her every hour... watching her chest to make sure she's still breathing... touching her cheeks to make sure they were still soft and warm... I'd stand by her bed watching her until she did her ritual muttering in her sleep or she rolled over or something...

After 4 years, I still check on her a couple of times each night but I'm not obsessive about it... and I don't lie awake wondering when my demise will be (not every night, anyways!)... but what I HAVE done is gotten used to not sleeping at night... and I'm still hesitant about getting into my bed alone.

I'd like to get over this lack of sleep thing... I miss the days of waking up refreshed and renewed. (as much as I miss waking up to the handsome face of my husband)

If anyone out there reading this has any advice for me, I'm open to it!